Parent Guilt: Pandemic Edition
In the best of times, the realities of parent guilt can cripple even the best of us. Enter a global pandemic that has shattered our already delicate parenting-life balance and has put our previous strained and exhausted emotional and physical state under a microscope. Not only are we, as parents, supposed to balance work and home life, but now, we are supposed to balance work life while helping our virtual schoolers at the SAME TIME. Parents are being required to leave their jobs in record numbers in order to stay home and care for children that were previously in school and daycares. And to make it all the more stressful, parent guilt right now is present no matter what you do. Sending the kids to school vs. keeping them home, letting them see friends vs. maintaining a strict bubble, meeting that work deadline vs. helping your young one with their schoolwork. There is no right or wrong answer, and no matter what we do, we are left with this lingering feeling of guilt. What's more, judgement for our decisions is more present than ever. Guilt is a useful emotion when it makes us aware of our wrongdoings, but now, we are made to feel like we’ve done something wrong, even when we’re doing the very best we can.
So what can we do to decrease the heavy hanging guilt surrounding our every move and every decision during this pandemic? Experts have suggested a combination of the following 3 things:
MINDFULNESS
Do not ignore the guilt.
Acknowledging it is the first step to doing something about it. Instead of thinking 'I screwed up', think more 'It hurts that I cannot parent the way I wish I could right now, BUT things will get better'.
Remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
We have been preaching this in our Topic Talks for weeks now. Although you may feel like an island, alone in your guilt and your distress, you are in good company. We may not all be going through your exact circumstances, but we are all struggling with this new world and, instead of judging, we should be supporting and embracing (from a distance) each other.
Practice Self Kindness
Would you tell a friend they are a horrible parent and they are ruining their kids' childhood? I would hope not. Talk to yourself as you would a friend. Be gentle. Be kind. Give yourself grace. We are our own worst critics. Try shifting your self-criticism to self-compassion.
REAL SELF-CARE
Prioritize the demands on your time and energy.
Ask yourself 'What is most important right now?' Think one priority at a time, and allow yourself and your mind to let go of the rest of the tasks, instead of punishing yourself for not getting it all done. Being a super parent is a wonderful idea, but quite harmful when you inevitably fail to live up to the unrealistic goal.
Prioritize yourself.
Being present for everyone else in your life is great, but be sure to make time to be there for yourself and your needs as well. Plan ahead and let your family know when you will not be available for them each day. Be realistic about how much time you need and how you will spend it (i.e. 15 minutes doing yoga or meditating). Then commit to making it happen. Remember: this is time strictly FOR YOU! Don't use this time to catch up on other tasks and priorities.
Remember the basics.
We know the kids need food, water, exercise, and sleep; but are you getting all of those necessities too? We cannot take care of our families if we are not taking care of ourselves. (There are a few of us, Kidnasium Team Members, that struggle with this one!)
SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE
Adjust your expectations.
If you expect to get everything done that is expected of you, as a parent, during this pandemic, you are most definitely setting yourself up for failure. We are all more emotionally vulnerable and fragile right now. Allow yourself grace. If things are piling up and you are feeling a blow up coming - take a few calming minutes, deep breathe, use imagery, but most of all, allow yourself grace.
Consider your successes.
It’s easy to focus on all of the things you aren’t doing. Try focusing on the things you are rocking at right now. You may not be able to juggle the toddler, virtual JK, and a full time job from home right now, but you rocked making a homemade dinner every night this week. What are you proud of? What can your kids do now that they could do a year ago? Redefine success for you and your family during the pandemic. Sometimes it is enough that the kids are alive, fed, and happy.
Invent new narratives
Instead of looking at yourself as never being enough, try acknowledging that you have been - and continue to be - enough to endure parenting during a pandemic. I bet the generations before us can’t say the same.
We know that parent guilt will always be there because, well, parents will always want more for their children, but be easy on yourself right now. You are doing the unthinkable: raising children during a global pandemic. And you know what? YOU ARE A ROCKSTAR! Keep on keeping on, Parents. We are all in this together.